Up at 12:30am with a cranky baby, sitting on the couch trying to rock him to sleep, I realize the remote control is within reach. I flip on the TV and immediately stab the mute button, not wanting the results of my hours of rocking and soothing torn asunder by three seconds of Beijing Opera. Knowing that Chinese TV — even with sound — isn’t the most entertaining, I decide to head for an old standby that, through years of insomnia, has never let me down — sports.

Flipping to CCTV-5, or CCTV Olympics as it’s called now, I’m treated to a rousing match of…


Goddamn it.